I was at work yesterday helping load a bunch of supplies into an elevator to take down to the first floor. The girl that was maneuvering the cart lined it up perpendicularly to the elevator and I said "that is at the worst possible angle to get it in there." TWSS.

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(79 Laughs)

 

The other day i was golfing with my buddies. One of my friends grabbed my clubs and started swinging them. He then grabbed his clubs and i turned stood both clubs next to each other and said "my shaft is longer than yours." TWSS

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(89 Laughs)

 

I was watching the food network and the host was making mini doughnuts. After applying the cinnamon-sugar coating, she says, “and now it’s ready to pop in my mouth…mmm.” TWSS.

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(63 Laughs)

 

I was getting ready to kill a bug in my apartment last night and my roommate asked why I would want to kill an innocent insect. I replied, "do you really want it going into your mouth when you are sleeping?" TWSS.

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(154 Laughs)

 

The other day a patient came in asking for botox treatment. The patient asked the doctor how she'd know if it was working. The doctor replied, "well most people are able to feel it go into them." TWSS.

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(130 Laughs)

 

My girlfriend and I were driving down the interstate. The road was really bumpy and making both of us vibrate just enough to make it irritating. Pretty soon it started making my seat shake a little and was making my ass vibrate. I turned to her and said, "I can feel it in my butt." TWSS.

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(201 Laughs)

 

I recently began taking golf lessons and was joking with a coworker about how I’m so awesome that my score for the course is under 18. Playing along, she says “Oh really, so you’re really good at it…the ball just goes in one hole and out another…takes about an hour." TWSS (x3).

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(105 Laughs)

 

I was showing my friends how I can put out a match by grabbing the flame with two fingers. One of them asked if it hurt. I replied, "it doesn't hurt if you go fast enough." TWSS.

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(142 Laughs)

 

A group of friends and I were on Bourbon Street in the middle of a terrible rainstorm that had been going on for hours. It was so bad that there was over a foot of standing water flooding the streets and sidewalks. Halfway through the walk back to the hotel, a girl in the group said, “I’ve never been this wet before.” TWSS.

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(595 Laughs)

 

A friend was getting ready to tell a story about an amazing racquetball shot. He started out by giving a brief description of the game for those unfamiliar with it. When describing the court he said, “It’s twice as long as it is wide.” TWSS.

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(112 Laughs)