Driving down the street today my mom decided to speed up to test out her new Infiniti FX35. My sister says wow mom you're going really fast to which my mom replies "Yeah, sometimes I like to open her up and play with her."TWSS

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(932 Laughs)

 

I was in the passenger seat while my friend was driving my car. We had to drive a long way and he asked me if I could open up his bag of chips as he was busy driving. So I opened it and held the packet so he could eat while he was driving. Then, after like 10 minutes, he said “Wait, let me put that between my legs so you don’t have to hold it like that.” TWSS.

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(91 Laughs)

 

I was in biology class and we had to make pie charts of our data, including a sliver of a section that was .25%. one girl got really frustrated and said "it's sooo hard! I can't fit it in, it's just too small." Our bio teacher, seeing that she was in distress, proceeded to say "wait, I'm coming!" TWSS.

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(3326 Laughs)

 

My club soccer team was warming up for an upcoming game by taking shots on goal. Our keeper finally decided to join in and block some shots. When he got in the goal, one of the players from my team dribbled toward the goal intending to take on the keeper. Our keeper went on his knees hoping to block the shot only for the player dribbling to shank it high over the net. Our keeper then responded, " I got my kness all dirty for nothing!" TWSS.

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(27 Laughs)

 

A bunch of my girlfriends and I were gossiping about other people at school and one of them told my best friend that she spreads more rumors than the rest of us combined. My bff said "Yeah, you know I have the biggest mouth in the whole school." TWSS.

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(27 Laughs)

 

I was sitting in english class one day, and my friend asked me if i had taken the math test in Pre-Calculus yet. I told her i had, and that "it was soooo long, and really hard." TWSS.

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(66 Laughs)

 

I was out drinking with my brother and we ordered tequila shots. The bartender poured them, we drank them and then my brother said "That's the biggest shot I've ever taken." TWSS.

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(19 Laughs)

 

I am a school bus driver and on my bus is a two-way radio for communicating with other drivers and base. One morning I heard one driver say to another, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were still inside." TWSS.

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(118 Laughs)

 

My best friend and I had gotten foot longs from Subway. One side was a bit larger than the other so we saved the smaller side for later..after a night out my best friend finished the second half of her sandwich and sent me a text saying "best 4 inches ever" TWSS.

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(415 Laughs)

 

I overheard my dad telling my mom how to check the oil level on her car. He told her to "pull out the stick, wipe it off, then put it back in. Then pull it out again and look at how much fluid is left on the stick." TWSS.

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(1123 Laughs)