I was reviewing a spreadsheet with a coworker and suggested that she try to make it more concise, to which she replied: "I know it looks big, but trust me, it was a lot bigger beforehand." TWSS

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(110 Laughs)

 

I was at a restaurant with some friends and they served all of the drinks in mason jars. I had ordered a pop, which comes in a regular-size jar. When I looked over at the table next to us, I noticed that the alcoholic drinks come in a much smaller mason jar and said, "Wow, I didn't know they made them that small." TWSS.

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(43 Laughs)

 

I ran a 5k with my sister. After the race, she informed me that her phone kept falling out of the inside pocket of her running pants, to which I replied "good thing you didn't drop it while running." Completely serious, she stated "No, whenever it started to slip out, I just held it in my hand." TWSS.



(153 Laughs)

 

I went to a music teacher conference, and I sat through an hour-long presentation of how to properly care for a trombone. He informed us, "Penetrating oil. When a piece is stuck and you can't get it out. When you're pulling out. When you want to push in. Penetrating oil." TWSS.

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(56 Laughs)

 

My orchestra was rehearsing a song one day, and we had to stop at measure 70 because one of the clarinetists couldn't get her instrument to sound. Our teacher got frustrated and said, "I don't care how hard you have to try, just blow until it squeaks. Now let's start 69." TWSS.

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(104 Laughs)

 

Earlier today, while referring to a loose wing-nut on a 4" expansion plug, I said to my co-worker: "Good thing I pulled it out when I did, because this nut was about to pop off." TWSS

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(181 Laughs)

 

3 teammates and I were training for cross country practice and one of the girls was complaining that we were going to fast, another teammate yelled at her: "Just suck it up and go faster!" TWSS

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(86 Laughs)

 

Negotiating in a divorce, my ex-wife said, "You're being really rigid, and it's a little hard to swallow." TWSS

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(117 Laughs)

 

Me and my dad were in the car and he saw a cd on the floor so he said, "Instead of letting it get banged around down there, why don't you put it in here?" TWSS



(71 Laughs)

 

At my summer job, my supervisor was using her USB memory stick with her laptop. The disk image wasn't appearing on her screen, so she said "Where's my cute little stick? Usually it jumps up right away!" TWSS.

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(79 Laughs)